Realization vs. Reality

So…here I sit. 40 years old and revisiting the confusion of my youth. I am, and always have been, a first string heterosexual male. From my earliest memories of when I began to notice girls, I have always delighted in the wonders of women. I became sexually active at age 16, and there has never been any question in my mind that the only sex that aroused me sexually was of the female persuasion.

That being said, when I was 12 years old, I had and experience that changed me forever. I had a friend, Tommy, who was 14. He was bigger and stronger than me, but we got along well. One day, while wrestling, he pulled my shorts down. I struggled, but he was too big and strong, and he held me down and played with my pubescent package. He kept telling me to be quiet and relax.

After playing with my crank like it was some kind of toy, he turned around so that he was sitting on my chest facing me. He had pulled his schlong out his button fly’s, and was jacking his dick right in front of my face. I was flabbergasted, but I couldn’t look away. When I did look up into his eyes, he was smiling. He lifted his butt off of me and put the engorged head of his leaking cock to my lips.

“Suck it, or I’ll tell everyone that you’re a fag” he commanded. I don’t know why, but I didn’t hesitate. I was not attracted to other boys, but this hard cock in my face was making me horny. I remember distinctly the strong pungent odor of his cock and feeling of the hard, yet soft flesh in my mouth.

Just before he came, he pulled his dick from my mouth and shot his load on my chest. I remember something like a mix of relief and disappointment that he hadn’t finished while I was sucking on him.

That was my one and only “gay” experience. I have never since been attracted to men, and I have reveled in the physical relationships I have had with a variety of woman over the last 24 years.

So, here I sit, 40 years old and just now realizing that while I am not attracted to men, I love cocks. I love mine, and I love looking at others. Hard or flaccid, black, white, or brown. The thought of a hard cock makes my dick twitch. I guess I have always felt this way, but I guess I never really got it because the men attached to the cocks I have seen inspire no sexual feelings at all.